| i am the clown
September 25, 2004 - 12:05 pm
*** circus life
I learnt a lesson this week. I had quite a hard time – middle tough – on account of my kindness problem. An argument with a family member. I finally hit him (not hard) and called him bugger. I took a walk in the forest and I learnt two things. I’ve to say what I think, I have to express what I feel. I HAVE, I WILL SAY ABOUT MY INNER REALITY, SAY WHAT I FEEL! It could even be a game… “In this uncomfortable situation, how will I manage to do this thing…” When I’m hurt, when I’m attracted, when I’m not agree, when I’m in love, or anything.
Then I was thinking so long and so deep about how come I had this fight and all, why can this happen… while we are the same thing, while the Universe is One… then blahblah what is it to be a human being, even after we die, what is our goal, in which way we are God, in which way God is us, the ego, the self, the form… and I started to be fed up with those intellectual unsolvable-to-me questions, and I finished by concluding: Goddam it, do I care… fuck this, I have a stomach and balls, and a heart, and I will live to feed them, I will live with them, experience things through them. Live things. Doing things and saying what I feel. My rhythm. My reality. In the circus of life I am alone on the stage. This is my show. My invention. I am the only clown, and I will sing the songs I love, the songs I made, and not for somebody else, not for the birds… The clown is me, and this stage is mine. The crowd is beautiful, but not allowed to go down the stage, to be in the center of my world… Not the center…! It is engaged! even if I’m not good… I won’t let them do the show… Because I’m the clown. I’m the funny dancer, the weird dancer. Uncommon, ridiculous, what do I know… but honest. The strong dancer, happy dancer. I’m not afraid.
“Look baby, I’m sorry to talk to you, but it’s because I was watching you below the bassline and I found you very cute, and I wanted to come near and talk with you… sorry… Would you mind to have maybe a cup of coffee with me? You’ got time?” That will be the first sentence in the world of my new self. Good plan.Strangely, I don’t give a damn anymore too about where will I move next year… I have to leave this house, and I searched a new place, an idea, a bit afraid to find nothing… and now the fear totally left me… as well as the ambition to find a great stuff, to do great stuff. I can just rent the first lousy stuff when I will have to, read books, and see what happens next… I will see then what I really want, what I really need, and what is truly possible… Easy. I feel easy and with no fear… Cool. I’m a cool clown. Cool for sure. But I don’t know how I will keep the crowd out of the stage… “Hi I love you! Hi I feel uncomfortable this minute with you, what about a game of tennis? Hi, er… er… stop buggering me, and… er… Hi! Put your tongue in my mouth! Hi, er… I don’t trust you, I don’t like what you are offering to me, I don’t want, honestly, working with you, so goodbye!” “If I liked the show? Not much.”
“OH BUDDY, GIVE ME YOUR HAND AND LET'S START WALKING TO THE SUNSET...!"
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