***Strange world (this is a)After used sexual energy, and rock energy, I got my energy
back� I think I try too much to adapt myself to other people, so I
get numb, and lost�
I made a nice long chat the day before too� I think it helped.
There was some:
*Her: no! definitely not.. i'm playing with my diary html.. again
Me: at this time of the night? lol
*Her: lol, actually, it's 7:30 in the morn
Then there was some:
*Her: it seems like a simple life, ye know?
*Her: except for the whole vomiting of the grass you ate so you could chew
it again, i'm not all over that, but.. ye know.. If i were a cow, i probably
wouldn't care so much though.
Me: mmmh... yes... me too, but... simple life, i don't know... i think this is a strange life... i have often examined cows, and i'm not sure to understand them well, what the point with them and all... ya know, doing not so much things all day long... What is their fight?
*Her: ah.. well, maybe in relation to us- no point, but in their own world,
i'm sure they find meaning.
And:
*Her: ooh! i know! maybe we've domesticated them so much that we don't see
them in their natural existence because we fucked that all up for them:
they don't act the way a cow is supposed to act. ? does this make sense?
like.. their lifestyles have changed. they are no longer wild creatures.
maybe.. haha
Later:
*Her: may i ask you a question?
Me: no.
*Her: LOL
Me: :)
*Her: okay then. ;)
*Her: smart ass. ;)
Me: lol
Me: >:D<
Me: ask me anything!
*Her: k.. lol.. you do not believe in free will?
Me: mmh... i do. but i believe in something bigger, destiny, and both
are totally paradoxical... Like we can do absolutely everything we want,
but whatever it is, it was predicted, you know, in an inconceivable way...
almost unthinkable... But, too, what we decide, what we try the most hard
we can, and succeed, it was there, in us, before... so free will of what...
we are what we are, in a way, and so feel what we feel, and will go where
we will go, in a golden destiny... Like: if someone decide to commit suicide,
and another prevents him to do it, i don't think we can say he has changed
anything, cuz happened what was supposed to happen, and death like everything,
is a magic thing, and when time to die is come, we die... But we can,
and have to, make our dance before... Then we will be free.
*Her: i agree. i believe in both, like that. you explained it better than
i was trying to prepare.
Me: :)
Me: :)
Then:
*Her: if you don't mind, since i can't explain well (and especially try
to type it instead of say it) i will excuse myself out of the topic and
move on to the next... :)
Me: sure! be my guest!
*Her: lol! ty..
Me: what is the next about?
*Her: i will say... that i do disagree with not choosing what you are..
not you specifically.. but in general.
*Her: i can understand why i have the mother that i have (etc., etc....)
because it has shaped me..
Me: you mean, why you were born in that family? like a soul that needs
experiences through lives...?
*Her: yes- well sortof..
*Her: why i've been in the situations i've been in.. what i've gained
and not gained...
Me: but that means you needed that, and so that you were what you were...
already... and now, the choices you have, came from what you are and so
from what you were... and so on...
*Her: explain more..
Me: mmh... the strength to do what you do, the way you don't let yourself
goes, is because you have grown up, learnt all what you know, from the
past where you were already strong, or not, because of all the things
before that again... the way you can do your things, and even WANT to
do them involves always your past, and you can't handle the very beginning...
the birth of your soul or whatever...The one that let himself totally
goes is because he needs to live that first, doesn't know what he needs
to know to do better, to hear better voices in his head...
Me: it's a question of awareness, we can't made up strength...
Me: i would have explained what i mean there better at 17... sorry...
hum.
Me: is that what you wanted me to explain? i'm not sure i'm clear anyway....
*Her: lol!
*Her: i don't think i am either.. lol
Me: oh... so it wasn't?
Me: the question?
*Her: .. i'm rereading... trying to answer...
Me: lol!
Me: good luck!
*Her: okay...
*Her: so you're saying that ...
*Her: that you're speaking more of awareness when you speak of choosing
to be here?
Me: in our own situation?
*Her: and of - yes.
Me: well, i don't know... i'm speaking about beyond-everything-destiny...
and destiny as a trip of our spirit. which is the place of awareness,
and made of awareness...
*Her: um.. i guess.. in a way, what i was saying.. was if you didn't choose
this, then why are you here?
Me: where?
*Her: you didn't have to come.
*Her: life
*Her: human existence..
*Her: what's the point of your trip? -do you think?
*Her: [10 minute hug..]
Me: "if you didn't choose this, then why are you here": well,
i chose it, not me as a still stupid (blind) human being, but as Life
itself, i'm a part of this Everything... and i can't know why it has to
be made, why there-is, but that's not really the question right now, cuz
i'm still blind, haven't seen all that has to be seen as a human being
(lol, 10 minutes, how cute!!! why now? don't distract me...!), i mean,
i'm not full, not complete, i still act and think as what i am not: a
human being. i'm not a human being, i'm not isolated, closed from everything
else, there's not to desire, to want... want what? everything's perfect,
everything's already here, already made, and time doesn't exist... and
just got to find that for real... My trip is to be connected again, free
the spirit that-
*Her: neato... you and i think very similarly!
Me: -has been locked up in a very strange situation, a skull made of billions
of tons of concrete.
*Her: ultra, mega, super neato
Me: :)
*Her: i think you've touched me profoundly.
Me: �a candle in a dirty table of a psychiatric hospital that has
to join the giant sun again? (hehe... cool, that's cool, about the �profoundly�
and all... Want a smile?)
*Her: sure
Me: lemme.... mmhhh :) My brightest!
*Her: lol!
*Her: would you like to know how? how you've touched me?
Me: yes!
*Her: it's comforting, yet, intoxicating or.. overwhelming.. stimulating
finding others that think beyond. from a physical perspective, it even
scares me some. on the inside, i felt safer after reading.. and more comfortable;
comforted. on the outside, it even made me want to cry. (i am strange)
*Her: reading your previous words (like the email), i thought we thought
a bit differently, but when you explain, you basically say what i think
too. it's odd.
Me: those things are hard to explain... and so much to say to make ourselves
clear...
*Her: the tequila song made me laugh.. i likee..
Me: lol
