| i am the clown
September 25, 2004 - 12:05 pm
*** circus life
I learnt a lesson this week. I had quite a hard time � middle tough � on account of my kindness problem. An argument with a family member. I finally hit him (not hard) and called him bugger. I took a walk in the forest and I learnt two things. I�ve to say what I think, I have to express what I feel. I HAVE, I WILL SAY ABOUT MY INNER REALITY, SAY WHAT I FEEL! It could even be a game� �In this uncomfortable situation, how will I manage to do this thing�� When I�m hurt, when I�m attracted, when I�m not agree, when I�m in love, or anything.
Then I was thinking so long and so deep about how come I had this fight and all, why can this happen� while we are the same thing, while the Universe is One� then blahblah what is it to be a human being, even after we die, what is our goal, in which way we are God, in which way God is us, the ego, the self, the form� and I started to be fed up with those intellectual unsolvable-to-me questions, and I finished by concluding: Goddam it, do I care� fuck this, I have a stomach and balls, and a heart, and I will live to feed them, I will live with them, experience things through them. Live things. Doing things and saying what I feel. My rhythm. My reality. In the circus of life I am alone on the stage. This is my show. My invention. I am the only clown, and I will sing the songs I love, the songs I made, and not for somebody else, not for the birds� The clown is me, and this stage is mine. The crowd is beautiful, but not allowed to go down the stage, to be in the center of my world� Not the center�! It is engaged! even if I�m not good� I won�t let them do the show� Because I�m the clown. I�m the funny dancer, the weird dancer. Uncommon, ridiculous, what do I know� but honest. The strong dancer, happy dancer. I�m not afraid.
�Look baby, I�m sorry to talk to you, but it�s because I was watching you below the bassline and I found you very cute, and I wanted to come near and talk with you� sorry� Would you mind to have maybe a cup of coffee with me? You� got time?� That will be the first sentence in the world of my new self. Good plan.Strangely, I don�t give a damn anymore too about where will I move next year� I have to leave this house, and I searched a new place, an idea, a bit afraid to find nothing� and now the fear totally left me� as well as the ambition to find a great stuff, to do great stuff. I can just rent the first lousy stuff when I will have to, read books, and see what happens next� I will see then what I really want, what I really need, and what is truly possible� Easy. I feel easy and with no fear� Cool. I�m a cool clown. Cool for sure. But I don�t know how I will keep the crowd out of the stage� �Hi I love you! Hi I feel uncomfortable this minute with you, what about a game of tennis? Hi, er� er� stop buggering me, and� er� Hi! Put your tongue in my mouth! Hi, er� I don�t trust you, I don�t like what you are offering to me, I don�t want, honestly, working with you, so goodbye!� �If I liked the show? Not much.�
�OH BUDDY, GIVE ME YOUR HAND AND LET'S START WALKING TO THE SUNSET...!"
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