...this is not happening...

2002-10-30 - 7:49 p.m.

***before time, after space. Humanly deranged, the strange worldTo be alive is impossible. Technically impossible. I�m not me, I can�t be me. I was a child, I thought I was that, a human being, but I�m something else. Everything is something else. Maybe I also am me, a bit, but in a crazy way. Impossible way. When I see clearly this fact again, that my soul is something else, that I haven�t created it, that I am not really here, when it kicks my eyes again, it makes my spirit so dizzy, in an infinite mad way� like to think of the no-end of space� Billions of billions of light years. If it has no end, you can multiply that by billions of billions of billions, it still would be nothing compared to what it is. That is totally crazy. A no-end space� But if it has a end, it�s totally crazy too� cuz what after? What after the end?

I�m not me, and it destroys for ever all the normal world� all world even, over all, over death, like if I went before Time, before the World appears (and if it has always been here, think about billions of years, multiply this by billions of billions of billions, write it a billion times, and think it�s nothing compared to what it is. OR� it has a beginning, then what before? No time, no world, nothing happening, but no one to see it, for ever� and then something� Magic!�?), or like if I knocked at the door of the end of space, looked at the crazy nothing� and take a pee, just to say �No, hey, I don�t wanna be here, just destroy me, I don�t want care about that, I just don�t like all this� YAWWW!� Nobody?� Damnit!��.

But still, right now, I�m eating potato chips and laugh my ass off watching �Scrubs�!

I�m me but I�m something else. Deal with that!� I need to grow up�

(the title: from "How to disappear completely", Radiohead )