| Paris II (summer interlude)
2002-08-28 - 1:20 p.m.
*** out of lifeI have always lived hard summers. Summer is my period. If you are in summer, you can think of me and say to yourself: "he must spend hard times...", that will be true. It really will. And it will be nice... to think of me. Except in 1997 and 1998, when i was working in a youth hostel in a ski resort (as a military duty, you know...) where summers were nice, since maybe 1992, i always have awful July and August. Right now for example, in the case you wanna know, i would like to slash all my body with a razor, i would like to be not here, not in my body, not in my soul, not in my ego, i just would like all this was just a dream, a never ever made dream... just that... And this is my deepest and most honest thought i have... That is bringing me tears, because to find a so deep and so strong thought in yourself make you feel like you were knowing yourself, like you were reaching the deepest in yourself, and that's touching and all this sadness... And then a little further... to fell again this common feeling, that we haven't asked to be here, i haven't asked to be a living creature, I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, and don't push me too far because oh boy! i'm just gonna shoot a bullet right in my handsome head!... Well... this one is not a real honest thought... i know that all my body and all my soul are asking something else than that, even my reason knows it would be useless, we are just in prison of human destiny, no other choice... To feel this way just happens sometimes down here. Human being programs. Hell drama. Is that freedom? |
