Hey folks,
This iboga thing was pretty cool. The second night of initiation was supposed to be the rebirth, and I started feeling just not so well, when everybody around me said they were feeling better than the first night… My body hurt, everything is hard, to speak in front of people is hard, especially when you’re almost not able to speak at all anymore… Then, I was just convinced I was going to die. I was mad to have chosen to do that thing… mad to not have said good bye to my parents, and that I loved them… disappointed about what my life would have turned to be, I saw my past, almost just a big mistake, then come to nothing. In that death, everything was just perfect… all those visions of death, a cross, the number 1 then 0, my navel getting moldy, everything… and my life ending under iboga, the last vision of my eyes being the sight of my face painted in white in that mirror. Dead me. Perfect. A drama.

Then we went to bed, i was exhausted… but I couldn’t just stay there lying on my bed… the energy was doing a yoyo with me. I thought I would die of tiredness. Was so anxious.

I went to the garden, I tried to vomit, then I tried to eat… Nothing.

Then, after I tried to sleep again, back in the garden, desperate, I embraced a tree, and there, I understood everything… First, a vision on my father. Then, just what came to happen: the death of my… past being… I felt everything on earth was in its right place, and i wanted to be part of that, a simple guy, a farmer, whatever… then i felt this, then that, then my intuitions were so huge… it was like in the The Celestine Prophecy (Redfield), then i embraced one girl, then another one… I understood the work was done. I felt my spiritual guides - to who i asked protection during the nights (i was scared…) - sort of… proud, happy to have done the work too… or just proud of me i don’t know…

So i felt light, it was amazing… so much things i learned about me… all was so surprising…

But i wasn’t so sure still i was dead or alive… This lightness… i though maybe i was just a ghost… sometimes people become ghosts but don’t realize it immediately… I was all alone in this garden, and i wasn’t sure. Something in me felt like dead… like gone i mean. And in a way, of course, i’m dead. Reborn. New. Iboga is an initiatory death, i read somewhere. But it depends what you ask to it too…

I spent after that, the two most amazing days of my life. Unreal. I met a guy, we’re like twin. Other guys too… i feel i found my tribe. My new life is beginning, i’m happy, it’s like if i had passed through the other side of the mirror…

I thank so much this plant…

With love,

Bertrand