Hey folks,
This iboga thing was pretty cool. The second night of initiation was supposed to be the rebirth, and I started feeling just not so well, when everybody around me said they were feeling better than the first night� My body hurt, everything is hard, to speak in front of people is hard, especially when you�re almost not able to speak at all anymore� Then, I was just convinced I was going to die. I was mad to have chosen to do that thing� mad to not have said good bye to my parents, and that I loved them� disappointed about what my life would have turned to be, I saw my past, almost just a big mistake, then come to nothing. In that death, everything was just perfect� all those visions of death, a cross, the number 1 then 0, my navel getting moldy, everything� and my life ending under iboga, the last vision of my eyes being the sight of my face painted in white in that mirror. Dead me. Perfect. A drama.

Then we went to bed, i was exhausted� but I couldn�t just stay there lying on my bed� the energy was doing a yoyo with me. I thought I would die of tiredness. Was so anxious.

I went to the garden, I tried to vomit, then I tried to eat� Nothing.

Then, after I tried to sleep again, back in the garden, desperate, I embraced a tree, and there, I understood everything� First, a vision on my father. Then, just what came to happen: the death of my� past being� I felt everything on earth was in its right place, and i wanted to be part of that, a simple guy, a farmer, whatever� then i felt this, then that, then my intuitions were so huge� it was like in the The Celestine Prophecy (Redfield), then i embraced one girl, then another one� I understood the work was done. I felt my spiritual guides - to who i asked protection during the nights (i was scared�) - sort of� proud, happy to have done the work too� or just proud of me i don�t know�

So i felt light, it was amazing� so much things i learned about me� all was so surprising�

But i wasn�t so sure still i was dead or alive� This lightness� i though maybe i was just a ghost� sometimes people become ghosts but don�t realize it immediately� I was all alone in this garden, and i wasn�t sure. Something in me felt like dead� like gone i mean. And in a way, of course, i�m dead. Reborn. New. Iboga is an initiatory death, i read somewhere. But it depends what you ask to it too�

I spent after that, the two most amazing days of my life. Unreal. I met a guy, we�re like twin. Other guys too� i feel i found my tribe. My new life is beginning, i�m happy, it�s like if i had passed through the other side of the mirror�

I thank so much this plant�

With love,

Bertrand